Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Yeah, I Had A Screw Loose...No, Really....

So I kinda gave up. I had a blog and it started out with happy, silly stories of my life and then I got sick. And tired. And let's call it what it was, grumpy. And my happy place just up and took itself somewhere else....and I struggled. And I couldn't write anymore because I thought that every one only wanted to read happy little stories about my life. And I wasn't happy....

So I quit.

And I thought...

And I doctored...

And I tried to heal...

And then this amazing thing happened to me last week. My back surgeon said to me "Melissa, you are handling this so well, I don't know how you do it. If it was me, I wouldn't be handling this nearly as well as you are, your attitude is really great."

And when I got done turning around to see who the hell he was talking to I finally figured out he was talking to me. And for a few seconds I was impressed that someone who I respect thought I was handling a difficult situation well...

And then I thought, well...I guess I really have him fooled...because in my head I was shitting bricks. I was scared and I didn't know if I was making the right decision...

But man, I looked cool as a cucumber doing it.

And I finally realized it's not enough...

It's not enough to look like I'm handling the situation well...

It's not enough to impress those people around me if I hate who I am inside...

It's not enough for my doctors to respect me if they really don't have the beginnings of a clue as to who I am...

I just want to be me...who is most of the time unsure of what the hell I'm doing...who is scared most of the time....who is sick...and who is just sometimes grumpy when trying to find my way through a really difficult patch in my life.

If that makes me crazy, so be it. I'm finally ok with being crazy if that means I get to really be who I am.

I'm tired of the pretense...

I'm tired of the game...

I'm tired of being who people need me to be to make it ok for them....

I just want to be me

And I want it to be enough...

So I decided to start blogging again and put it all down on paper. I decided to really dig down deep and try to just find out who the hell I am after all of this craziness...

So I'm back and I will update y'all on what I've been upto...and it probably won't be happy or funny or great to read but if nothing else, it will definitely be interesting...

6 comments:

Melisa with one S said...

OHMYGOD, I'm so happy you're back! I've thought about you often; I'm so excited to be able to catch up.

Welcome back!!!

Tari said...

Welcome back! Can't wait to catch up!

Crazymamaof6 said...

Yay! I've missed you!

The real you. I can handle reality.

Just glad you are ready to share.

Fluff is ok but everyone has ups and downs. That's normal. It's perfectly ok to struggle.

We understand. I missed you.

Can't wait to hear what you've been up to. How is Hope?

The hubs?

Did you do Santa's landing this year?

You've missed out. I got knocked up again. In march i'll be crazymamaof7. Yeah. Crazy right?

Glad you are back. Just keep swimming.

Hugs!

Are You Serious! said...

Glad you're back!

Cathy said...

I was sad when you left the blogger world but really excited to hear what has been going on with you. You were missed.

House of Jules said...

I tried commenting through my phone on Thursday, but it wouldn't let me hit "publish comment" for some reason. Anyway, I'm glad you're back! Been thinking of you a lot and sending good vibes your way.