Scary Stuff..

So I went on vacation and it was wonderful. So much better than I had even hoped for...and now I've been back three days and I'm a hot mess.

I promised myself that I wouldn't worry about my health while I was gone and I think I did a pretty decent job but now that I'm back and I'm looking at a rheumatology appointment tomorrow and a neck injection on Friday, I just don't want to do it.

I don't want to talk about surgery on my foot, or going off my meds for 6 months (you know the ones that we just found that work), I don't want to up my methotrexate injections...which may be a problem since the freaking pharma company that makes it has decided not to make it so there's a shortage, I don't want to deal with more cortisone injections, I don't want to have this conversation with my Endocrinologist who is going to flip his lid when I tell him I need surgery.

I just don't want to, I'm scared....

I remember what it was like when I went off my meds for my back surgery and I was miserable, I remember what it was like wearing a cast for 8 weeks and it was so uncomfortable...there was a time when my foot was so swollen I couldn't even move it in the cast, I remember what its like to be in the hospital so sick that I thought I would die when my adrenals went to hell. The thought of a surgery with no guarantee of fusion once again and all of the other issues that go with it, well...it makes me want to cry.

I'm not sure where I'm going to find the strength to get through it without either losing my mind or being the biggest bitch that scoots the earth (you know, because I won't be able to walk).

I know this sounds like a big whine, and it is but man, surgery is really hard and then having the same surgery 3 times, well, it's pretty frustrating. Last time I said I would never do it again and now I don't have a choice.

Somehow I'm going to have to get this straight in my head but right now, I'm just not quite sure how to do that....this will be my 4th surgery in 2 years, I'm ready for this to be my last one....because I just don't have what I need to get through it anymore...so I guess I'm scared and tired...