Losing My Religion...

For some reason I think doctors walk on water. Maybe because I deal with so many of them...maybe because they can cut peopleopen and not kill them, maybe it's because I feel like they have all the answers that I'm scrambling so hard to find.

I guess in my head, white coat = a person who is invincible and is never wrong.

As you can imagine, I'm often disappointed when I find out that doctors are people just like me...except for the $150,000 school loan (and you know, the 12 years of education).

Yeah, I got my answer today. My back surgeon is mad at me.

This weekend I fell down the steps. One minute I was good and the next I was bouncing down the steps and trying to grab a hold of anything to make me stop (and no, I didn't count the steps on the way down...who knew I was supposed too). I managed to land right on my back, right where the incisions were. I also banged up my elbow pretty good though only one bruise...(I scraped it down the banister, I was sure that I had left a layer of skin behind but thankfully, no).

So back into the doctor I go to make sure all the hardware is still in place. I wasn't horribly concerned that things were out of whack but I have a heck of a backache so I wanted to be sure.

Everything was good and in place. It only took about 2 seconds for Dr Angry to ask when ankle surgery was. Needless to say the conversation didn't get better from there. I asked for a steroid injection in my thumb so I can use my cane, he said no, he said a few scary things about having the surgery and then asked if I wanted pain meds...

By this time I was just done, I could have stayed at home in bed and just taken my chances and had less grief.

It's so hard to go against a doctor that you really respect. It's so hard to know that my doctor is angry at me and it's really hard to make this choice without him but I'm the one walking around on these feet. I'm the one falling down the steps and crawling around my house and scaring the hell out of my husband and daughter.

I don't want to have this surgery...and I would never have another one if I didn't have too. If I could go back and change my decision to have the back surgery I would in a minute but I don't have the luxury of these choices. I have to be able to walk because being in a wheelchair is not an option.

So why can't I just go ahead and have the surgery and just shake off that Dr Angry is angry with me? Why do I feel like every option I have is a bad one? And why does Dr Angry's choice matter more than mine when I have to live in this body?

I'm so tired of being punished by my doctors...I just want them to fix me and then leave me alone...