I talk a lot about going to the doctor but I don't talk a lot about why I need to go. I was diagnosed when I was 2 with JCA...a million years ago my arthritis didn't act like RA and they didn't quite know what "category" I fell into so it was JCA for me.
I spent most of my childhood in remission, battling flare ups here and there. I have one strong memory of having my knee drained while in elementary school and then I had a really bad flare when I was 19 that took us about 6 months to get under control.
Fast forward to '98, we're under the impression I'm dealing with PA due to family history, I start taking Enbrel, I'm miraculously cured and I lead a charmed life until I give birth to my daughter in '02...and then things quickly start to go bad.
In '08 I'm diagnosed with RA after an elbow surgery.
Now please don't misunderstand me, I'm not dying but the last 3 years have been extremely difficult. If it's not one thing it's another. I've recently had ankle fusion surgery, I wasn't 100% sold on the surgery but who could have guessed my recovery would not only include my ankle healing but also 7 weeks of IBS/colitis (the jury is still out.)
The reason I'm writing this is because my therapist continues to tell me that I spend to much time feeling sorry for myself. Which I have to say makes me want to punch her.
Her and I have struggled on this issue since day one, my question to those diagnosed is are we allowed to be sad (or feel sorry for ourselves) or be scared at what this disease does to us or takes from us?
I follow a lot of autoimmune disease blogs, in most of them I read about how everyone feels tough and resolute, how we all get up and meet the days needs...even though some days we just want to pull the covers back over our heads but I don't hear a whole lot of "shit, this stuff scares the hell out of me.."
I can't figure out if I'm just a pansy like my therapist thinks or if she just doesn't get it because she doesn't have a chronic illness...
Everyday I get up and push myself..I tell myself to make the steps I take count, to eat well and do what I need to get better...but I can't help but wonder if I'm ever going to get better.
Have you been able to accept what is going on with your body?