Thursday, February 3, 2011


I can't even think of a cute title for this that tells you how I feel about it.

I've really struggled for a long time with what I can and can't do. In the past couple of years I have watched things that I could normally do go by the wayside. I've tried to adjust my thinking to being ok with the situation (even though I hate every minute of it).

So I guess what I'm saying is that I've made peace with myself. And then something comes along that I'm just not willing to give up. Like a trip to Cleveland Clinic and I know I need to push myself really hard. The problem? I can't even push myself anymore, it just takes to much out of me...of course that could be because I had two surgeries less than 4 months ago...but who is counting?

When I came home from Ohio I crashed, hard! I told Joe the next day when your animals feel like this we put them down, why can't we be humane to our people, too.

Anyway, all of that goes before we had all of the snow this week.

It's funny because I never know what my trigger is going to be, a few weeks ago it was playing Kinect, last weekend it was jumping on a trampoline, yesterday it was shoveling snow.

Seriously, who wants to shovel snow? Most people would have been happy to stay in the house and keep warm. Who wants to shovel snow? know the person that can't. I stood inside and watched Joe shovel and felt useless and mad at the same time.

I know that RA is a progressive disease and that I'm going to deal with it for the rest of my life. I know that and accept the pain and all that goes with it, it's the giving things up that REALLY frustrates me.

Even the things that I used to do like vacuuming and washing the floor are a thing of the past. I feel like I'm being lazy or taking advantage but the truth is I just can't. I hate that word. I said it to my doctor last week and my voice actually cracked on that word.

I'm not sure how to be okay with the fact that I can do less and less every week and still feel like I actually bring anything to the table. How do I not feel like I'm letting my family and friends down...


Cathy said...

Melissa, I have definitely felt this way at times. It is an awful feeling. Please know that you are not alone in this feeling and although I wish there was something I could say like, "You can now learn other ways to give to your family," I know it isn't the same. Letting go of who we are is REALLY hard.

Melisa with one S said...

That's got to be so tough. I hope you continue to gain more strength to deal with the emotional parts of RA. xoxo