The Sky Is Falling...

Yes, I shall henceforth be known as Chicken Little...

Last week I finally decided to chuck my therapist and psychiatrist. As you can imagine that wasn't a very easy thing to do. Ditching the psychiatrist alone was a 20 minute argument which was not pretty...funny, you would think when I said this isn't working for me there wouldn't have been 20 minutes to argue about...

I have found a new therapist who deals with patients with chronic illness/pain and I'm looking forward to seeing how she can help empower me to finally come to some kind of terms with my illness.

That said, I've had a serious week of breakthrough's (who knew I needed to get rid of my shrink to have this happen).

For the past 3 years I have had a love/hate relationship with the word CAN. You wouldn't think a three letter word could make that much difference in someones life and yet you would be wrong.

Every time I think "I can do this" it turns out something more like "I can't handle this." When I think "it can only get better from here" it usually turns out to be something along the lines of "I can't believe how badly this sucks."

I have given up on the word can...with can the only guarantee is disappointment. So, somewhere along the line I decided to just tell myself I CAN'T and be delightfully surprised if I COULD.

And this week I realized how afraid that word makes me. I started PT for my foot and back on Monday. As I was chatting with the doctor I told him how afraid I was that this wasn't going to work (ironically, I didn't even realize it until I said it out loud).

He turned and looked at me and said, "if you believe that you can't do it you are guaranteed it won't work, but if you believe you can do it you at least have a chance."

So shit, the choice comes down to me....I can work really hard and hope I'm not disappointed or I decide I can't and guarantee disappointment.

Today while exercising they put me on a balance board. The harder I tried the less I could balance. I was frustrated and heard myself say "I can't" but I kept trying. She turned the board the other way and let me try again. I pulled myself together and told myself "I can..." and while it took me the whole time to finally find my balance, "I DID!" And I yelled, "HA!"

What a freaking sense of accomplishment...

I have a long way to go to incorporate my RA and other issues into my daily living but for the first time in a long time I feel like I'm taking proactive steps to do exactly that. You would think after 37 years of dealing with RA this would come naturally and yet I feel like I'm starting all over again...

And then sometimes a new beginning is just exactly what the doctor ordered...