Saturday, February 6, 2016

The One Where She Own's Sad Sally...

Yesterday I put up a meme on my Facebook page. It was not a positive, happy go lucky positive, be happy even if you don't necessarily feel like it. Whenever I put up a post like this I take my heart in my hand and hope my followers will understand where I'm coming from. This is the meme I shared...

What I thought might bring my page down has actually brought the most likes I've ever had on a post. It's also brought messages telling me how dead on this meme is. Some days are wonderful and you think "sick, I'm not sick...look at me getting things done". Then other days you can't get out of bed for 3 days due to all of the "things you got done".

I have taken 3 weeks off of Twitter and IG in order to take care of me. You might say that I've lived what you see above. My health has been very crazy lately. At 45 I was recently diagnosed with JRA after fighting for it all of my life (just a little late, huh?) It was quite a shock...I'll write more about that soon. I'm looking at possibly 2 new diagnosis and I was kind of hoping that I was done at 45, surprise...nope. It's not like I already don't have a handful already. My disease list is starting to look like the alphabet behind my name, yikes. 

I haven't taken a real shower in I don't even remember how long, I never thought I would need a babysitter for a shower and I certainly hoped that my heart rate would never get to 170 or higher from getting clean. I used to joke about extreme showering, now it doesn't seem to be quite as funny. Because life isn't difficult enough...oh yes, there's more (hard to believe, huh?) I've had a rash for about a week and a half. Now it's only on my hands but it's pretty nasty. Which may be a whole different diagnosis (I'm collecting letters quicker than I can keep up). I was off Actemra for 3 weeks due to pre-auth for my insurance another thing I'll blog about soon.

I've been completely overwhelmed, scared about what is coming and shocked that a rheum could tell I had JRA just by looking at me (oh yes, of course he's retiring...). I never saw myself going to the big teaching hospitals (that was for sick people) and I certainly didn't see 3 new illnesses I'd have to learn how to handle. 

And then I broke, I knew that I couldn't handle anyone else's problems except my own and I left and I think a lot of people were shocked when I really left, I've threatened so many times before and I've never done it. 

Yes, I've seriously thought about quitting because I'm not Positive Polly but Sad Sally. Then a weird thing happened, I woke up feeling pretty good this morning (the rash, ouch) I was able to get out of the house, buy some cupcakes, take a few pictures, set up my new humidifier. Nothing big for anyone else but huge for someone who has been "relaxing" for the last 4 months. Even better, I woke to a beautiful email from a friend who explained me in a way I don't look at myself and then I saw this meme taking off on my FB page and another message telling me that "I was helping people". I stopped into Twitter and it was so nice to catch up with friends (okay, but 3 weeks is really like forever on Twitter).

I guess what I'm saying is I'm picking myself up and starting new, much better for the time I've spent away and also understanding who I can go to for support (it's hard being a leader, yo) I've spent a lot of time coloring, watching Golden Girls (wow, I miss my grandparents), listening to music which for some reason touches me more than anything and just trying to figure it all out.

This meme above helps me know that it's okay to be Sad Sally as long as I don't get stuck there. I think it's fair to say everyone's positive is different just like everyone's diseases, how they deal with them and how they chose to cope. I plan to write about this too (okay, that's 3 posts I've promised).

Thank you for your acceptance even though I am far from perfect and I'm just shuffling through this life with all my letters just like you are. If you can handle Sad Sally sometimes, I'm your girl. If not, there are so many others that can help you. Thank you to those who showed me today that I do matter and the way that I deal is ok. It was kind of a huge lesson. Thank you!

P.S I've had writers block for so long, this is a huge accomplishment in itself...

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