Tuesday was a very difficult day. What started out for my daughter as a small rolled ankle and a sprain turned into a growth plate fracture and a boot for 3 weeks. Of course I had already told her a sprain was no big deal and that she would be walking the next day (thanks ER radiologist). Needless to say, she was not my biggest fan when the PA mentioned the word fracture.
She was already mad at me due to the fact that she is being tested for JA right now. Seems like because I'm the closest and the one she can count on the most that also makes me her whipping post, and she whipped hard on Monday and Tuesday. I didn't appreciate it, but I understood the fear and the frustration. They always say you hurt the ones you love the most...she was really loving me that day.
After we left the appointment I called my mom to fill her in on the news we had received and I mentioned what a drag it had been to deal with my daughter that day. She then asked me didn't I remember my drive home from my appointments as a child? I told her I didn't but I think I should have lied and said yes. She told me how I would be very angry about having JA and I would vent on my way home, she would try to appease me but eventually gave up and told me to "shut the hell up." I have to admit if she had slapped me, it probably would have hurt less.
I just sat there in stunned silence with my mouth hanging open, shocked. I guess eventually she got the idea that I was less than pleased with that information. When I finally came to my senses and found my voice I said, "well, that's exactly what I'm trying NOT to do to my daughter." How in the world could she think that I would agree with that, that I would do the same, or that I would even think that was alright.
Sometimes the best things we learn from our parents is how we don't want to be and it made me even more positive that I had done the right thing in letting my daughter vent, even if it had been turned towards me. I don't want her ever to feel like she can't talk to me or vent, or even be frustrated because she is ill.
Last night I came home and thought, I got from both sides. When I was a kid with JA I didn't get understanding from my folks and now as an adult, I was still getting grief from my daughter. I know I did the right thing with my daughter simply because I knew how horrible I felt as an adult with the information my mom had given me, I can only imagine how I felt as a kid (which is probably why I don't remember the situation).
Today when my daughter started up with the bad mouthing, I stopped her in her tracks. I told her she could be mad because she broke her growth plate, she could be mad that she is being tested for JA, she could be mad that she hurts and is scared but she couldn't take those things out on me. I am doing everything I can to accommodate her to my own detriment, I don't need or deserve to dumped on. I hope that she didn't feel like I did when I was told so coldly to "shut the hell up".
I'd like to think that I'm teaching my daughter a different way and that when she has kids she will be kind to them like I am to her. What I do know is that I'm really hurt by both sides and that words are more powerful than the credit we give them..